How to get over your first love (and other people)

Saturday // May 7 // 2016

how to get over your first love

If you’re wanting to get over your first love or a recent breakup, my heart goes out to you. That is tough, tough stuff. It’s one of those things in life that really reminds us that yes, in fact, we are human. 

 

The hard (but doable!) part:

 

Know that you’re not alone.

Love and breakups are universal. When you get your heart broken, it can feel like this is such a personal thing. Have compassion for yourself for experiencing a hard aspect of being human.

Firstly, feel it.

If you’re sad? Feel sad.

If you’re angry? Feel angry.

If you’re confused? Feel confused.

 

Know that feelings are ever-changing.

It was once explained to me perfectly how to view feelings. Think of a movie: When you’re watching a movie, one minute you feel happy, the next you’re laughing, then you’re crying, then you’re happy again. Feelings come and go like waves; they change.

When you’re going through a breakup, it’s natural to think: “Will I always feel this way?”

You won’t!

You won’t even feel this way the whole time you’re going through the toughest part. Even if in your mind you were sad all day, there were probably moments where you saw your dog and your feelings went to love, or your friend sent you a funny video and it made you laugh. 

Be conscious of your feelings and notice when they switch to feelings of joy, happiness, gratitude, clarity or excitement and relish in those moments.

Feelings will come and go, they are there to simply be felt.

 

Express what you’re going through to people you trust.

One of the hardest things to do is to go through a breakup and for the people around you to be unaware of it. You fake smile, fake enjoy yourself, when all you want to do is cry.

Use this breakup or letting go of the past as a chance to grow closer and have a more open relationship with your friends or family.

It helps to know that the people you’re with also know what you’re going through. Even if you’re out and about with them and not talking about the the relationship, just knowing that you aren’t hiding something that’s taking up a lot of your energy will give you a sense of ease. It will also allow you to groove into the present moment because it will help you to get out of your head and into what you’re currently doing or experiencing. PS – in the present moment is where joy can happen!

Talking to someone like a friend, coach or therapist can also give you a broader perspective of the relationship. Sometimes taking a step out of your own mind makes you realize why this breakup or letting go is so beneficial for you.

 

Express what you’re feeling to the other person (up to your discretion). 

One of the ways that can keep us from moving on is not fully expressing our truth to the other person. Maybe we walked away from the relationship trying to be the cool girl or guy, rather than expressing how we really felt.

Let yourself off the hook for not saying the perfect thing to them during the breakup.

In the moment, especially if you didn’t know it was coming, chances are you acted out of fear or ego, trying to play it cool. What can keep us from moving on is knowing that we didn’t speak our truth. Not for the other person’s sake, but for our own.

Although it may be hard, express yourself to this person. Not in the sense of trying to win them back, but express whatever is true for you. 

If you can, set up a time to express your truth to them after the breakup. If it’s been a long time and getting in touch doesn’t feel like the right thing to do, write them a letter in your journal. You don’t even need to send it to them, just getting out your truth may be all that was needed in order for you to let it go.

 

Accepting he or she is not your person (at least not for right now).

If you’re fresh off a breakup, one of the things you’re most likely thinking is: How do I get them back?

As much as deep down we know that they aren’t right for us, it’s hard for us to imagine not being with this person in a romantic way.  If you’re finding it extremely hard to accept that he or she won’t be in your life, or how they used to be, quiet your mind by telling yourself that he or she is not in my life in this form right now. We don’t know what the future holds, and if this person is highly beneficial for you and your path, they will come back in some shape or form.

People come into our lives at the exact right time. Whether they are a soul mate, a best friend, or a teacher, they come in to teach us what we need to be taught or to experience in order to grow. Some stay with us forever and others come in for a short, beautiful time until they are no longer part of our journey.

Why breakups, especially with a first love, can be so hard is because it’s extremely difficult for us to accept. When you’re with your first love, you picture a clear future of what your life will be like and over time that’s the only future you see happening. Why wouldn’t you? You’re in love, they’re in love, seems to all make sense.

Accept that they aren’t your person, and if they are, you will be with them again if they’re the right person for your continued growth.

 

Forgive + Let go.

Forgive this person for now showing up in the way you wanted them to.

Forgive them for being young (if they were young).

By forgiving them, you are letting yourself off the hook; you’re allowing yourself to let go.

This is one of my favourite forgiveness mediations (number 4).

If you’ve been unable to let go of someone because they feel like a soul-connection or soul contract, check out this video by my dear friend Vienda.

 

Create a new vision for the future.

What are your unique goals, dreams and passions?

I remember after my first real break up I was completely anxiety-ridden about the future. Everything I had thought of for my future was taken away. It wasn’t the breakup that rocked me as much as the fear of:

‘What the heck do I do now? What does my future look like? Yikes, I can’t even see one.’

When your future now feels unknown that’s scary stuff! Give yourself compassion. Going through a breakup and learning to create a new vision for yourself can be filled will all sorts of overwhelm.

The good news is, within the unknown, when nothing is certain, anything is possible.

Now that you have more space to create a new future, you can go for the dreams that feel right for you. Travel to the place that you’d love to go to, move to the new city that you’re free to move to, go on a date with that cutie at the coffee shop.

When we open ourselves up to new possibilities, the world brings us an abundance of opportunities.

Realizing where your needs weren’t being met.

After a breakup, I was reflecting back on it with my friend and her mom who was writing a book about human needs. Through our chat, I had realized that one of my core needs is feeling safe. Looking back at the relationship, I realized that I did not feel safe in the direction of the relationship for months.

Looking at what I once saw as my ideal relationship and then realizing that one of my biggest needs of all wasn’t even being met, made me see that the relationship just wasn’t right.

Write down what your needs are. Maybe it’s to feel safe, loved, respected, heard, you name it.

Write down your needs and view your past relationship from a new perspective. Where were your core needs not being met?

 

Have gratitude.

Gratitude for the person and the relationship.

Gratitude for having an experience of love.

Gratitude for taking a risk.

Write down what you are grateful to have had or experienced.

In order for you to have been in a relationship with them, they must have had qualities that you loved.

Be grateful and relish in the fact that it was YOU:

YOU attracted a person with those incredible qualities and because it was YOU who attracted that, you can attract those qualities to you again.

What lessons did you learn that made you a better person or partner in the future?

Experiencing heart-break makes you a more compassionate, well-rounded partner in your next relationship. You know what it feels like to be hurt and you are more aware of how what you do and say effects the person you’re with.

 

Seeing rejection as a way to open up space for the right things to come in.

I honestly believe that if something is not meant for you and you’re going to continue to stick with it, something is going to step in so that you change gears.

In this case, that something was someone: him or her.

Whether it’s a ‘no’ after a job interview or being told that someone no longer wants to be with you, this is your higher-self’s way of getting you out of something that isn’t for your highest good. Now you can be available for something or someone who is.

 

Attracting what’s meant to be 

I created a video explaining how to let go so that you can attract what’s meant to be in your life. 

Only go on a date if it genuinely sparks excitement in you (within the first few weeks/month after a breakup).

You’ve heard it before, “Get back out there!”

Getting back out there is great, if you’re getting back out there with someone you are genuinely excited about.

Getting back out there with someone just for the sake of getting back out there, without any emotional excitement, can make you feel even worse. If your heart or mind just isn’t into it, you will be sitting there comparing them to the person from your past and saying to yourself, “I”m on a date with someone new and I don’t feel remotely the way that I did with the last person I dated, will I ever find that again?” You will, you just chose to go on a date for the sake of going on a date, verses going on a date with someone who you’re genuinely excited about. Focus on you and your passions and open up to the possibility of attracting someone new in your life that gives you butterflies. 

 

Write out your new ideal relationship.

What does your ideal relationship feel like?

Get SO specific.

What is their personality like?

What are they like emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually? For physically: (Don’t get attached to the exact hair colour or height. Often people who we are wildly attracted to show up in a different package then we would have originally thought we wanted). 

What’s important to them?

How do they make you feel?

What types of things do you do together?

The next part, I heard from Tony Robbins when he was attracting his wife Sage: write down not only what you do want in a relationship, but what you don’t want. What are the non-negotiables? Then lastly, what type of person would you have to be to attract and keep the kind of person you want?

Let’s make this about YOU. Who would you have to be to attract your person to you; the relationship of your dreams?

 

Create newness

Now is the time to re-invent your reality. I know it can feel daunting, but creating newness, excitement and passion in your life is only going to bring more of that to you.

Where have you always wanted to travel? Maybe you wanted to live in a different city but your partner didn’t want to? Now is your chance to bring in more of what you love into your life.

Now is the time to start that new yoga class or take the online business course.

Now is the time to be true to yourself and what you love. If you are unsure about what you love or what you want to create, I’ve created a free e-course to help you out. 

Add new people to your life, new social circles, new clients. 

Add in people that you genuinely like and click with. While you’re doing this you’ll be creating new, exciting, real memories. Add these new memories up and you’ll be creating a life that you’re passionate about living as you.

It’s ok to admit that this wonderful, incredible passionate life won’t happen over night, but it will happen. Every day, be committed to showing up for yourself and your joy.

This confidence and grounded-ness in your life will attract the person you’re meant to be with in. Plus, your mind will begin to forget about attracting your new person, and will focus more about attracting a rad life for yourself. This new person will just be a byproduct of the incredible energy you have.

 

Breakups can be hard. Letting go of someone from our life or allowing them to be there in a different form can be hard. I’m here to support you.

If you need an an extra hand or a supportive space to talk, I would love to support through private coaching.

Have a friend going through a breakup? Share this article with them. x

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